Top Ten Things Wrong With Zune

The bad press for the Zune isn't just limited to the States, us Brits have got in on the act too. ZDNet UK has published a piece entitled "Top Ten Things Wrong With Zune". Deep joy, Microsoft surely couldn't have expected this amount of negativity?

A summarised view of their list can be found here:

They start with the "known-knowns" (cough):

• It won't work with Microsoft's Plays For Sure,
• It won't work with Vista,
• It won't work with the Mac,
• Has really "really naff DRM"
• Has wasted its Wi-Fi and requires you to buy a non-convertible currency called Points before you can actually get music.

In summary they call it a "hideous car-crash of a product." Tell us what you really think lads!

They go on to describe it as "the New Coke of Failure", to be honest I like Coke - but I know where you're coming from.

They introduce their forthright review by commenting "Here are ten much better reasons to point and openly mock". So without further ado:

10 It wants to be an iPod. Look at it. Fake scroll wheel. Fake iTunes. Fake buzz. Comes in black and white. Five years to come up with something new, and this?
- Perhaps a bit harsh, it would be hard that has basically the same functionality and the same ergonomic requirements to look radically different. How similar is a BMW 5-Series to look from a Mercedes or an Audi? Ok they have their distinctive looks, but they all have five wheels, five doors, a steering wheel, mirrors, seats ....

9 . It so fails to be an iPod. It comes in brown. Brown! It's fatter, it's heavier, it looks like a lump of robot poo from a big, fat, heavy robot. Do you want robo-poo in your pocket? From a fat robot? Exactly.
- You got me chuckling. Ok, so I was surprised by the brown variation, but you know they say "brown is the new black", fair point that was like 10 years ago! But this was an interesting point, they wanted to offer something the iPod hasn't got, thus negating point 10. When it comes to size, it's not fair these days to call something fat, especially when there's more functionality involved.

8. ZuneScene are selling it in the States with the tagline "Dude, you're getting a Zune." Not only is this a recycled tagline, it's recycled from Dell - possibly the lowest-rent source of high-tech ideas outside Dixons.
- That may be the case. The marketing doesn't have to be new or fresh to work. These days with internet sales it's about doing that getting the sale. Many people love this anti-fashion stuff. And you know there are still a good number of happy customers.

7. Microsoft is selling it in the States with the tagline "Welcome to the Social". My uncle used to go down the Social. It was a frightening place full of coffin-dodgers trying to hide from the Grim Reaper behind a smokescreen of Benson and Hedges. It smelled of at least six things at once, none of them good. The only technology they had was a 78RPM record player and hearing aids with valves in. Is this how Microsoft wants us to think of Zune?
- Thankfully your father didn't sire the entire US population, or at least I hope so! Everyone reacts to marketing in different manners. Not all will have the same blinkered, biased, pre-judged, "I want to follow the crowd" view of the Zune.

6. Zune 1.5? Two words. Orange. Pink.
- I'll come up with two colours: Yellow, Green - does that make you feel clever now?

5. The accessories are even uglier than the Zune itself. There are these things called Speck cases, which make the Zune look like the sole of a Doc Marten boot, like it's stuffed inside one of those gym shoes with the silly rubber dimples around the toes, or like it's been pushed into a big, big wad of chewing gum and pulled half out. These are bad things. These are embarrassing things. This is the world you'll enter if you buy a Zune, dude.
- Rupert Goodwins is in line to become Cosmo fashion editor. The world isn't full of Robert Goodwins, people have different tastes. For instance, you'd never see me buying a Pink PSP, but it doesn't mean that Sony shouldn't sell them, or I wouldn't think of getting those horrible covers and skins for my LG Chocolate phone - but others will. Robert, it's all about choice and not about trying to look cool writing a diatribe about one of the world's biggest companies. And by the looks of you, you don't come accross of as the paragon of style!

4 Zune Masters. Microsoft is trying to recruit college kids to go out there and evangelise about the Zune to their friends. Qualify, and you're called a Zune Master. The only good thing about this is that if they try it here, the poor saps will have the robo-poo beaten out of them faster than a first generation iPod drained its batteries. And did Apple ever need an iPod master? Quite.
- Perhaps a unique way to get customer feedback, but at least Microsoft aren't being so arrogant to expect their product to hit the mark straight away. Credit should be given for coming up with a new marketing strategy - or would you like them to follow the Apple way, oh, you don't want them to copy Apple, so do you want them to be different or be the same?

3 They're not selling it here until 2008. Why should the Americans have all the fun watching Microsoft making a complete arse of itself for more than a year? It's bad enough them keeping the good telly.
- Good telly, that's the only sensible point you made in your article! Microsoft are entitled to have a limited launch and improve on the product as well as make the necessary arrangements in the other territories - just like Sony and Nintendo do with their consoles.

2 www.zune.net - the home page. Go on, take a look. Not only did Microsoft fail to get zune.com, but the dot net looks like it was put together by a fourteen year old in 1997 using a 'My first web site' primer from Computer Newbie magazine and Notepad.. And the main graphic looks like a young man straining at stool.
- a pretty talented 14 year-old I might add. Agreed they should have got the .com. But I wouldn't be surprised if it's in Microsoft's hands soon!

1 If it succeeds, we'll get to see Steve Ballmer jumping around on stage in a tight black poloneck jumper.
- He'll have just as much a smile on his face than you probably did thinking you're clever coming up with your witisisms. Did you chuckle to yourself as you sat at your desk typing this nonsense?

I'm just going to put "Friends" on for some relative intellect!

But if you're still interested receiving INFORMATION then try Andy Ihnatko's article for the Chicago Sun-Times or Kevin Kelleher's piece for TheStreet.com. Here' Kevin gives a good review of the Zune without trying to sound that he's "down with the hood".